She Makes Me Feel Dirty Again
My Given (A Reality Check)
I sat on the edge of her bed, with my head in my hands, crying. My eye was pounding and adrenaline rushed through my veins, making me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn't make myself calm down. I couldn't fifty-fifty take a breath. My hands trembled equally I wiped the braids out of my eyes. I glanced through my tears at Given, huddled in the corner of her vivid yellow room. She was curled upwardly in a brawl with her caput on her knees, shaking. I stared, wondering what she was thinking, and what I should practice. I wanted so badly to go comfort her as we both cried, but I felt as though I could never bear on her once again. I felt dirty, very apologetic about what happened, even evil. I began to question every conventionalities I'd always had, even who I was. I looked back down to the ground, and watched everything fade away as more tears formed in my eyes. I wanted to only disappear, to go out my trunk behind, and non have to deal with what was about to happen.
My housemate and I had decided to get to Greatcoat Town to visit her family for the weekend. She stood over my bed one Fri morning, watching me slumber. I opened my eyes and smiled expecting her to crawl in similar she did every morning after her rehearsals, but instead she asked " You wanna come up to Cape Town with me?" She had a huge, simulated grin on her face, equally if she was saying delight. I didn't hesitate.
"Sure," I said as I made room for her next to me.
How could I say no to Given, especially when she smiled at me like that? I didn't intendance where we were going, simply I knew I didn't want to spend a weekend with out her.
Given was the eldest daughter of two extremely religious parents, and attended Catholic school her whole life. She was very sheltered, and modest, whereas I am a very open-minded, liberal person, who is anything but modest. She was Xhosa and had black, long, curly dreadlocks that she always left hanging. Her eyes were virtually black, and were so mysterious and deep that I could stare into them and get lost. She wore pointy, black glasses that I called her "sassy librarian spectacles." She dressed how my friends would draw as "dykey." Not completely butch though, just sort of baggy pants, and overalls, as opposed to pink dresses and platform shoes. She was pretty shocked to hear that she came across every bit a lesbian to people who didn't know her, only I bodacious her that she didn't look gay, and that I cleared upward the "misunderstanding" that she was to anyone who asked.
I was the start lesbian she'd ever met, and being such a religious and sheltered girl, I was nigh positive she would movement out one time I told her.
" Earlier you go settled in, I should tell you something…I'grand gay," I said as I helped her unpack.
She stared back at me smiling. " Absurd… could yous manus me that hanger?" She brushed it off like we were talking near the weather. I sighed to myself, relieved that I didn't scare off my first housemate who seemed to be pretty cool.
Given and I clicked instantly, spending every moment together. We would stay upwardly all nighttime playing UNO, listening to music and talking. I knew that I had feelings for her, only I also knew that telling her would do nothing but ruin things betwixt u.s.. Later all, a straight girl doesn't desire her gay housemate liking her. I kept it to myself, and I was more than than happy with the way things were.
After about a calendar week, nosotros began sleeping in the same bed, which began by her innocently itch into my bed one dark, saying that the room was too cold. I didn't complain, and from then on we couldn't spend a night apart. We would stay up all night just cuddling and talking.
I night we lay in my bed, facing each other in the dark and a tear fell from her eyes. " Cheryl, I think I'thousand in love with you lot," she said. She closed her optics tightly as more tears rolled down her face.
My heart dropped, and my stomach twisted. Those words were so wonderful that they hurt. I had loved her from the moment she walked into my firm.
" I recollect I beloved you lot too," I whispered back as I wiped the tears from her cheek. That nighttime we layed in my bed all night, just talking in the nighttime.
We would lie in bed all solar day, skipping classes just to be together. Those four cement walls, which I despised when I moved in, were now our haven. Annihilation that happened exterior those walls was irrelevant. We had our own world, that no ane could see into or touch, where we could merely be. Given made me promise to continue this a secret, fearing what people would think of her. I agreed, even though information technology was agonizing to have to hide the things that I was used to being open near. It was a pocket-sized price to pay for the dazzler she brought into my life.
We sat at Emmarentia Dam ane twenty-four hour period, discussing how fate brought united states of america together. We remembered every decision that we had fabricated and how easy information technology would take been to take never crossed each other's paths. She couldn't believe how lucky we were to find each other, simply I knew it wasn't luck, it was meant to be… FATE!!! We loved every moment of every day, sitting by the dam talking, laying in bed, or just driving through the winding roads out in the the area. We even went house hunting, planning for the post-obit year when nosotros would need a identify that she could practise with the band she was starting, where nosotros wouldn't disturb our neighbors. She made my life consummate.
As wonderful as life with her was, I began to feel very hesitant well-nigh meeting her friends and parents. I was very nervous as we walked up to the front door of her parents domicile, after all they knew I was "the gay housemate"and I'm sure they felt uncomfortable with me sharing a house with their girl. Meeting them went relatively well though. We were all sort of antsy and nervous, just we made it through dinner in one piece. Given and I tried not to make likewise much center contact, fearing that they could sense how much nosotros cared about each other. Later I asked Given what they idea of me, and the comment her parents had almost me was " She doesn't await gay." I judge I took that equally a compliment, and went on with what I was doing. Her parents both went to piece of work that night, and Given and I sat on her bed talking. She had the Bible out, and was reading me the parts about homosexuality being a sin.
" Cheryl, exercise you really think y'all were built-in gay? I hateful, don't y'all think you could change if you wanted to?"
I stared up at her in atheism. " No, I tin't change Given, sometimes I wish I could, but I tin can't change who I am.
She started explaining her viewpoint on the situation, which was that all people have homosexual tendencies, but we aren't supposed to follow them. They are a temptation on this earth only similar stealing, and booze. She told me that I would exist okay, because I could follow God with her, and he would rid me of this awful sin.
I interrupted her, "I take to go now." We sat in silence, staring at each other.
" Cheryl, I am a perfect example. I have these tendencies, but I'm choosing not to follow them anymore. I know it's the same for you, you lot merely have to desire to be fixed"
"Fixed. I demand to be fixed. That's neat Given, only groovy. Tell me yous love me, bring me hundreds of kilometers from home to encounter your parents, who hate me, and tell me I need to exist fixed! Ok I actually demand to leave at present."
" My parents are leaving work early to come talk to us Cheryl, they know everything at present, and I cant accept you anywhere yet."
I felt a huge lump forming in my throat, and I felt dizzy. She told her parents that she had feelings for me, and that we acted on them, and that she needed to talk it out with them.
" Then right now they are driving habitation, planning how to kill me."
She laughed, "No Cheryl, they merely want to talk."
How could she laugh? I felt and so guilty, like I betrayed the trust of two parents who left their innocent daughter with me in Johannesburg, and look what I did. I corrupted her.
And so at that place I was, sitting on the edge of her bed, in that brilliant yellow room, feeling as if I was no longer in my body. I felt numb, lifeless, and lost. I didn't know whether to pack my bags and walk, or to wait for her parents to get home, and deal with the worst situation I had always dealt with. I already went through this shit with so many people around me except for my female parent; at that place was no way I could bargain with someone else'due south parents, especially when all I was to them was some dyke who corrupted their daughter. We sabbatum there in silence, me on the bed, and her on the floor, crying, thinking, and wishing we were somewhere else, anywhere in the world but here. From that moment on the Given I knew and loved was gone. The beautiful Xhosa girl, with big brown eyes and a huge smile was taken away and turned into a wearisome, lifeless object, with the gleam in her optics and grin gone forever.
I waited alone in the room when her parents got dwelling, continuing to stare at the basis, contemplating my life. I thought most choices I had made, and questioned decisions that in the past I idea were right. I looked at my life from outside myself, and could non understand how the life I was so happy with, had turned into so much heartache and defoliation. Her comments had a big touch on on me, and I questioned why I was gay. After years of struggling to have myself, and finally doing so, I was back to the dubiousness and defoliation that I had long forgotten.
" This isn't me." I thought to myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. I saw myself through their eyes, and hated me.
After their never-ending talk in the other room, Given came in. She looked fifty-fifty more upset.
" I can take you at present," she said, staring at the basis, as if she couldn't look me in the eyes anymore. Her parents probably made her detest me too.
I stood upwardly, grabbed my luggage and followed her out the door. I looked over to her parents on the couch as I left, merely they refused to look up. I decided that gay people must exist invisible in that firm. They're probably agape that by looking me in the optics, I might make them gay besides. She collection me to the bus station, where I caught a plane dwelling. Nosotros hugged each other good-bye, and cried for a few minutes.
"I'm and then distressing Given, I didn't hateful to make your life so disruptive. Delight tell your parents how sorry I am…" We stood in silence for a few minutes. " Given, not anybody is attracted to the same sex, that means something y'all know. It'south your life, but I just don't want yous to kid yourself, and realize when you're forty, and married with kids, that y'all really are a lesbian."
" I'm not gay Cheryl, I love you, and I don't know why, just I can't follow that lifestyle. I have to follow God. It doesn't matter what my parents, or anyone else thinks nearly yous, what matters is if you're happy. If that is who you are, and information technology makes you happy, then get for it. I feel as though I am betraying God, and I cant live similar that. I have to come home and effigy a lot of things out. I'thou moving out Monday. Information technology'southward not that I don't want to alive with you anymore, it's that I tin't. I wont be able to get over you until you lot are out of my life for skilful."
That was the last time I e'er saw Given. I got on the plane and went to come across some friends for a few days. When I finally got dorsum dwelling house to my firm it was half empty. I guess she got there early to avoid seeing me once more. She left me a cd that she recorded for me at her house the dark I left. Information technology'south of her singing and playing the guitar. I listened to it over and over once more, and still do when I think about her. It'southward nigh missing each other, and maxim goodbye, and hopefully being able to see again one solar day. I don't know what to think about the lyrics, but I know that I will never forget her…
Source: https://lebokeswa.wordpress.com/2014/08/12/my-given-i-sat-on-the-edge-of-her-bed-with-my-head-in-my-hands-crying-my-heart-was-pounding-and-adrenaline-rushed-through-my-veins-making-me-feel-sick-to-my-stomach-i-couldnt-make-myself-calm/